Saturday, August 05, 2006


I have never been a political person. I would say that I'm still not to this day in that I recognize that the importance of life (if there is any) lies among other things. I have coped with low-grade depression for a long time, before I even knew what it was. Anyone who has even the most basic knowledge of what an artist is can tell you that most artists have coped with depression more than the average non creative person. It makes sense really - artists have a higher sensitivity which they use to work out their craft and this is always there, so they feel and have instincts that are stronger, these things make it harder for artists to cope with reality which we can all now agree is even more out of control. Anyone who does not believe this is a fool and those around them will eventually see them as such.

I never thought I would say it, but in the years following 9/11 my mental condition has changed dramatically. What was always there but very controllable and often not even felt has evolved into a dibilitating condition that must be medically treated by anti-depressants. My quality of life has dropped considerably and I have been forced to live differently than before. I may be older and wiser, but alot of the joy and ability to cope is gone - the drug gives it back. My relationships with people have been the most affected, I have fallen out with almost everyone I knew and another irony here is that I feel better for it, its like all the things that I put up with and coped with before in people (to my dismay) I put an end to, I no longer suffer with all the nonsense of people. It's been hard but has felt positive for me. There has been a housecleaning and my life although harder to live feels more true and honest than ever before. But I'm not in a good place, it's not fun - I don't even remember what fun feels like and I know I have to enter into a better way of life - but I don't think those I've left behind would have helped me facilitate this. I have to do it on my own and I have learned who is supportive and who is not.

The worst feeling I have is a complete lack of interest in people and their actions, everything, nature seems more important and connected to that, my work. Animals seem more important and anything that has nothing to do with human beings. I feel done, like being born again (but not bac)

I guess 9/11 is an easy event to blame it on - but that event and its aftermath rewired me. I was not lucky enough to be miles away, I saw the whole thing and I had to live with it right down the block. I've heard all the conspiracy theories and I believe them too - until proven not true.

I am left with the truths that people are capable of ANYTHING, no matter how vile. That people are the single most negative facter on the planet today, where there are problems, misfortune, tribulation of any kind........people are behind it.
That there is also recognizable good in my opinion no longer factors in......not any more.


Blogger Murph said...

So, with that said, how did the five year annaversary pass for you?

8:33 AM  
Blogger middleagesteve said...

Life goes on - like anyone who was there that day, we want to be free of it

But, we will never be free

5:10 PM  

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